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Counselor Bloggers
What is Recovery?

An essay on the subject of “What is Recovery” raises, for me, the question of what is Addiction. Since everyone of us has an idea, our own idea, of what Addiction is, we'll also have our own answer to “What is Recovery?”

Since we don’t have agreement in our field on what Addiction is, I doubt that we can come up with an easy agreement on what recovery is. I could just tell you my definition of both but my goal is not for us to have a debate over which we can come to a resolution. My goal is that we all look at ourselves and how we got to this question. It may be, that after examining ourselves, we may choose to change the question we ask.

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Love Languages
Columns - Opinion
Wednesday, 31 May 2006

Many of our gambling and significant person clients have been so preoccupied with the addiction that they have never really taken quality time to work on their relationships. Our clients often have a range of issues underlying their addiction. Seemingly, marital issues take a backburner to other more pressing immediate needs. However, as a couple enters into recovery they begin to realize they have some serious relationship work to do. Although we may not be marriage counselors, we find ourselves trying to help these couples with relational needs.

One of the most beneficial books counselors can recommend to married couples is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Chapman also has written a similar book on the love languages of children, which is very good. Dr. Chapman claims that there are basically five love languages that individuals respond to. Everyone needs all of these five love styles expressed in their marriage. However, most individuals have one or two which could be identified as their primary love language. The key is discovering which love language your spouse responds to. Often we do things we think our spouse would like, when in actuality they are things we would like for ourselves. The effort ends up being unappreciated by our spouse since it doesn’t speak to their heart’s desire.

Chapman identifies the five love languages:
• Quality Time: Spending time together as a couple.
• Words of Affirmation: Words of acceptance and praise.
• Gifts: Material objects which express love.
• Acts of Service: Chores and responsibilities around the house.
• Physical Touch: Simple touches which convey love.

For instance a husband may have Acts of Service as one of his primary love languages. If he were to come home and take his wife’s car to be professionally detailed, that act would convey love to him. Thus, he thinks his wife would really love that done to her. However, his wife may have Physical Touch as her primary love language. Grabbing her hand to hold as they stroll through the mall conveys love to her. Now if he went and detailed her car she may like that, but it would not convey love to her. What works for the husband, doesn’t necessarily work for the wife and vice versa.

One might say, “Well how do I learn my partner’s love language?” Most of the time all you have to do is ask. It’s amazing the couples who have been married for years and have never identified their spouse’s primary love languages. Chapman also claims that each love act ends up being a deposit into your spouses’ love bank. Other authors use expressions like love tank. Everyone needs regular deposits into their bank; otherwise you have a marriage where both spouses have empty love banks. It can be quite frustrating as a husband or wife believes they are expressing love to their spouse, but can’t understand why their spouse can’t detect it.

Chapman also recommends, even when the marriage is on shaky ground, for the spouse to commit to at least one solid month of continuous efforts in expressing your spouse’s love language. Remember love takes work. It takes effort and determination. It’s not a warm fuzzy feeling in your belly. Don’t give up on love just because you don’t feel the warm fuzzies. Commit to expressing yourself fully to your spouse in a way that genuinely speaks to them.

Brian W. Jones works at the Central Iowa Gambling Treatment Program in Windsor Heights, Iowa as a gambling therapist.


This article is published in Counselor,The Magazine for Addiction Professionals, June 2006, v.7, n.3, p.64.





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