I was well into a busy private practice when I first read the adage, “We teach best what we most need to learn.” I was sure it did not apply to me. I had become a counselor to help others, not myself, and was trained to be objective in my work. If a disproportionate number of patients seemed to have issues with anger during a week that I was upset with my husband, it was attributed to coincidence or something in the air, or the cycle of the moon. What could my personal issues possibly have to do with the content of my clients’ counseling sessions?

Twenty-five years later, I see how my personal issues, the development of counseling skills and trends in the field of psychotherapy have all run parallel. Ongoing training has served as much to resolve my personal problems as to further my career.

In the ’60s, I was enthusiastically humanistic. Unconditional positive regard and intensive group experiences were in fashion and I counseled accordingly. Identified with the disenfranchised of society both as an older single woman and a foreigner, I provided nurturing, acceptance and encouragement to my individual clients, and a supportive environment for my groups at an inner city community mental-health center.

Professional training in group process helped resolve my issues with intimacy and belonging, and I married and joined a real-life family group.
Marriage and family therapy were coming into vogue when I began my practice, so I saw couples and families together in my office. My clients’ problems with boundaries, enmeshment and power struggles were echoed in my personal life, where I dealt with aging parents, adolescent stepchildren and my spouse. It was hard to maintain a balance at home when my husband and I rarely saw one another except at mealtimes.
Victims of eating disorders who mirrored my identity issues appeared in my office as I struggled with a confusion of role expectations. I counseled hundreds of bright, accomplished women who were extraordinarily successful while starving for a wholesome definition of themselves. “Take time for yourself,” I urged them, “learn to say “no” to the demands of others,” while I cared for clients, parents, family and friends with barely time to breathe.

Eating disorders and compulsive overwork were redefined as addictions when recovery programs became fashionable. The success of 12-step programs and the popularity of Scott Peck’s A Road Less Traveled spearheaded the recognition of spiritual issues in psychotherapy, so the concept of unconditional positive regard was expanded to include a Higher Power. In the office, guided imagery and meditative techniques helped clients access an inner source through which to heal their wounds, decreasing their dependency. At home, my discovery of my spiritual Self made me less dependent on my husband and I left the marriage.

After my divorce, formerly disassociated memories of childhood sexual abuse surfaced. I had been treating victims of sexual abuse for years without a clue that I was a survivor myself. Sexual abuse and recovered memories were now a hot topic in the field. Was it coincidence that my memories surfaced when there was so much public and professional attention to the issue? My faith was enhanced through my spiritual exploration, and my memories of past clients were pivotal in healing my trauma. I had indeed been teaching what I most needed to learn.

The difference between a counselor and a healer is that a counselor is someone who teaches what he or she most needs to learn — a healer is someone who has learned what he or she has been teaching. As a healer, I recognize that everyone, inside and outside the office is both teacher and student.

I was wrong about the reason I became a counselor. I became a counselor to heal myself.

Lisa Raphael, MS, is a licensed mental-health counselor, healer and author with more than thirty years’ experience in private practice. She gives lectures and seminars based on her book, O-Becoming One, Transformation Beyond Survival, about how her memories of childhood sexual abuse and the Holocaust were transformed using a variety of therapeutic techniques. Contact Lisa at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

No one has commented on this article.

Please keep your comments brief and on topic, and remember that this is not a discussion thread.
Name :
Comment(s) :

J! Reactions 1.09.00 • Professional Site License
Copyright © 2006 S. A. DeCaro

---