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| Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet age |
| Columns - Media Review | |
| Written by Alissa Mallow, DSW, LSCSW | |
| Tuesday, 07 August 2007 | |
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Although Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the
Internet Age by Robert Weiss and Jennifer Schneider is a self help book
for those struggling with issues related to Internet sexual activity,
it also gives the practitioner a glimpse into the world of person’s
whose lives have spiraled of control because of their addiction to
Internet porn, and their sexual practices both online and off.
The intent of the book is not to explore the ethical or political issues of Internet pornography, but to study persons whose lives have been affected as a direct result of their relationship with pornography and the Internet. The authors present actual case studies encountered in their own practices. Readers who are suffering from Internet pornography addiction will likely relate to some of these stories, and this book will hopefully be a first step toward treatment. It is important to note upfront that the authors both take a firm stance on illegal online sexual activity (i.e. child pornography), which requires immediate intervention. The first chapter provides an overview of how popular the Internet has become with regard to finding pornographic material. According to the authors, Internet pornography is a billion dollar business, and with easy access to computers, the Internet has become the primary vehicle for pornography and sexual content. Further, the authors explain that for some adults. Internet pornography may be something that peaks their curiosity and generates mild interest; but for others, it quickly turns into obsession and sexual addiction. For the addiction professional, the case studies in this chapter highlight many of the qualities that are seen in persons who are addicted to substances; Internet sexual addiction is no different. Most importantly in this chapter, the authors introduce us to what they call the “The Triple A Engine,” as described by Dr. Alvin Cooper. This is “Accessibility, Affordability, and the Anonymity” of the Internet, as well as the safety, interaction, secrecy and community affiliation of online sexual activity. These simplistic concepts are critical to understanding sexual behaviors related to the Internet. Picking up a self help book can be daunting for any one. Often it is the starting point in recognizing the problem. As addiction professionals, we must always remind ourselves that along with an addiction comes shame and guilt. In my opinion, the reader who is struggling with a potential Internet pornography addiction and buys this book may become more enlightened as they read on to where the authors identify the factors that precipitate this addiction. This first chapter sets the tone for what follows and includes a 15-question quiz, with the suggestion that “more than three positive answers indicate the need for professional support and/or counseling.” In the next chapter, the authors define what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship, versus abusive and addictive sexual behavior. In addition, there is a description of the various types of pornography users (i.e., the casual user, the pleasure seeker, the at-risk pleasure seeker and the sex addict). The authors also provide detailed descriptions of the characteristics of addiction. Most importantly in this chapter is the discussion around the types of addictive sexual behavior at levels one, two and three. The chapter closes with a discussion regarding the differences in sex addiction in men and women. The authors expertly dispel myths and discuss gender-specific differences. The focus of the third chapter is on what happens when a person loses control, and the consequences of sexual obsession — that is, continued use despite adverse consequences. The case vignettes are rich throughout this chapter, highlighting the ways in which Internet pornography addiction can result in relationship problems, financial problems, disruption in family life, and breaking the law. For addiction professionals, the studies reinforce what we all know from working with clients; that addiction interconnects with all aspects of a client’s life, and has devastating consequences. The fourth chapter deals with the “reality of romance online,” further addressing the differences between men and women when it comes to online sexual abuse and addiction. This chapter speaks to the “romance addict” who is searching for the “ultimate” or ethereal love — one that seemingly only exists in romance novels and movies. Many of the qualities discussed by the authors are consistent with the DSM-IVTR diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, including: the “rush of the connection to others that develops rapidly” and the “swearing off” periods where the person does not seek out relationships at all, having felt terribly rejected or abandoned; and the “endless intrigue, flirtations, and sexual liaisons” that are hurtful and destructive to both partners. The lesson here is that addiction professionals may mislabel the sexual addiction as personality disorder if not careful. The chapter also provides the “Twelve signs of romance addiction” that allow a person who is struggling with these issues to self-identify. In the next chapter, the authors examine the life of the “porn widow(er)” with a typology for identifying whether or not the person’s relationship is adversely affected by pornography use. The authors further discuss issues of intimacy and sexual relations when one partner is involved in cybersex and cyber relationships, and the disastrous consequences it has for the uninvolved partner. This chapter speaks to the affected individual, serving as a reminder that others in their lives suffer as a direct result of his or her behavior. The case studies in this chapter come from the partners of people suffering from Internet porn or cybersex addiction. The sixth chapter focuses on the impact upon children and teens, and the resources available to deal with the difficulties. The authors are very clear that children and teens need to be protected while online. Although teens often surpass their parents in their knowledge of the Internet, it is critical for parents to stay current and supervise children and/or teens online activities. The authors provide concrete advice on how to protect children and teens, and how to help those who already may be addicted to cyberporn or cybersex. Further, they provide specific examples on what to do if children or teens discover Internet pornography belonging to parents. The next chapter assists the person who is struggling with an Internet pornography addiction. In this chapter the authors provide action steps, recovery planning and boundary plan suggestions. All of this sets the stage for the next chapter entitled, “Getting Help.” The authors focus on the importance of 12-step meetings that deal specifically with sexual abuse and addiction. In addition, they offer suggestions on how to find a therapist, and what happens during slips and relapses. Of importance is the authors’ “note to therapists and healing professionals” in which they describe what they believe clients with addiction need from their therapists. In the final chapter, the authors point to the importance of caring for oneself during recovery. They provide several examples of how a person in recovery can nurture themselves, such as exercising, meditating, having “fun”, owning a pet, and remaining balanced. Further, the authors address issues of rebuilding trust in relationships and repairing the damage incurred during the active phase of addiction. This chapter is a positive one for the reader who may be struggling with addiction, in that it focuses on hope and recovery. Untangling the Web is the euphemism for the Internet and those caught in the turmoil of online (and sometimes offline) Internet sexual abuse and addiction. It offers education and practical advice to readers who are seeking to identify if they or a loved one is struggling with these issues. It is a valuable self help book that, hopefully, will motivate the reader to seek treatment. In my opinion, it is also a good resource for training addiction professionals. One person has commented on this article. 1. Untitled Porn has created my secret life., Unregistered Having lived with an obbessed husband of Porn for better than 20 yrs. I wish I had known before what I know now of this sickness. I have a burning desire to keep my family together. Even though they are all grown, they need to belife and validity in marriage and family more than ever. So right this article is on the effects it has on the "other" party. I have gone outside my marriage. The only thing that has done has saved my family but not my moral constitution or self esteem. I am so extremely angry at my husband throwing away not only his life but mine. Posted 2008-02-02 03:24:15              |
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